It has been a while that didn’t write something so personal and I hope you’ll be inspired reading it.

5 days ago Pascale and I decided to try to playfight every day for two weeks. The idea stemmed from her desire to be more active and move her body, and I thought since we both love Playfight why not give it a try?

When we playfight, it can get pretty intense. Neither of us likes to give up easily and since she enjoys challenges, despite the height difference (I am 1.86m and she’s 1.60m), she asked me not to hold back. During the first session, we went at it for a half hour straight. By the end, we were both exhausted but satisfied. We pushed ourselves to our limits, but it brought us closer together.

For the second day, we went to the park, and the rough terrain made it quite uncomfortable with hard pieces of wood and hidden stones under the earth. Despite this, we still had a great experience filled with energy, connection, and fun. The third and fourth sessions were shorter due to feeling tired from the previous day's playfight, but they still provided a lovely experience of embodied connection.

Today, during our fifth playfight, it became evident that we have different patterns of behaviour. After only 5 minutes of our typical high-intensity play, she accidentally hit my jaw with her leg. Although it wasn't too severe, it was enough to prompt me to use the "stop" safe-word to give myself time to assess my condition. I checked my jaw by moving it left and right and opening and closing my mouth, but fortunately, there was no pain or damage, just a bit of a scare.

When she asked if I was okay and if I wanted to take a break, I replied that I was fine and that I was ready to continue, inviting more awareness of our movements. She acknowledged my request and we prepared to resume our playfight, but when we faced each other, she unexpectedly said "I don't feel safe to continue I want to end here our encounter". That sentence which is completely legitimate and appropriate for a playfight encounter stroke me like a bolt from the blue.

All of a sudden, I felt my emotions stirring up inside me. Voices in my head were arguing, with one side playing the victim and the other being tyrannical. However, after years of working on my emotional well-being, I can now recognize that there is something deeper that is being touched when these reactions occur. In such moments, it helps me to slow everything down and not react out of that emotional cocktail. I took a slow, deep breath to give myself the strength needed to tap into one of my most valuable resources: curiosity.
To me being curious means to stay open and welcoming that I don't know what the other feels. Instead of making assumptions I can then use my curiosity to ask.

And so I dared "Can you tell me more about what makes you feel not safe?" with a shaky voice she answered "I think we were lucky that nothing bad happened, but this could have been going very wrong and in the last days many times you were very strong with me and I got hurt" Hearing those words was a shock for me. Her comment was completely unexpected, and a flood of shame, regret, sadness and anger filled me.
Suddenly, I experienced a contraction in my stomach. It was a familiar sensation, one that I had felt many times before in my life whenever a partner of mine had expressed a desire to end our relationship or had expressed uncertainty about our future together. It was a painful reminder of the feeling of helplessness and disappointment that I had experienced during those moments. It was astounding to me how such a minor occurrence could trigger one of my deepest fears - the fear of being abandoned.

Amid a painful cocktail of emotions, my reptilian brain was taking the lead, protecting me, going to fight or fly reaction. Just in a few seconds, my perception of her was switched completely, from the person I love to the person I need to protect myself from. My survival instinct was offering me two options: leave, retire, isolate myself, build resentment and grow a lack of trust, or attack back, being righteous, seeing her as an enemy to defeat, arguing back, making her feel wrong and shameful.

After experiencing these reactions countless times in my life and realizing that the outcomes are never what I truly desire, I know now that the only way to move forward is to face the pain, not run from it. I felt naked and vulnerable but I decided to show up for myself and choose connection. I took a deep breath, summoned my courage, and spoke transparently about my pain without complaining or manipulating.

"I hear you, and if your wish is to end here I respect it, and we can close our encounter at the same time my wish is to have a moment to share what is alive in us, and to speak out what we need to feel safe, and to create the conditions for us to continue". She agreed, and I started sharing about what I felt, the fear of rejection and the pain. I apologised for any actions I may have taken that could have caused harm and expressed my sincere desire to improve our interaction.

As I spoke, she listened attentively and without interruption, making me feel heard and cared for. When she began speaking, she expressed disappointment in herself for pushing past her limits in the last playfight and ignoring her pain, simply because she didn't want to admit defeat. She acknowledged that it was her responsibility to communicate her boundaries to me. She then mentioned feeling ashamed because when just before I got hurt, she felt a twisted sense of satisfaction from causing me pain. She realized how easy it is to disregard her own needs and instead build resentment towards me.

At that moment we were both in tears. Sharing openly our feelings and hearing each other pains was difficult and healing at the same time. We felt connected and grateful. I was longing to feel her and play together, but also insecure about how to continue, so I asked "Is there anything I can do to make this playfight safer so that you are willing to continue?".
Her answer amused me "No, there's nothing you have to do. You don't need to change anything. I want you to be the way you are, I want to take care of myself and communicate in the moment anything will be too much for me, instead of enduring. Let's continue".
For the following 15 minutes, we playfight with strength and care. She paused a few times when she felt discomfort, and the more she expressed her limits, the more I trusted that I could be myself.

After finishing our Playfight, I realized one more time, how powerful this practice can be in revealing primal patterns that impact our relationships. It would be amazing if more people engaged in playfights regularly, even if it's just once a week or once a month. Playfight is a way to express love and address the issues that prevent us from being our best selves, both as individuals and as partners. However, when such challenges emerge many people might respond with a protective reaction instead of an open and vulnerable one. Because this is what we are used to do. The easy and seemingly painless but ultimately much more painful way.

Choosing to be vulnerable is never easy, particularly when emotions are running high. External support can often be helpful in these situations, with someone who can recognize patterns and guide us out of them. It's with this desire to support others on their journey that we've created the Playfight Coaching Program. Where experienced Playfight Coaches offer both online and in-person sessions for individuals and couples looking to grow using an embodied way.

If you want to know more I invite you to visit www.playfight.org/coaching
where you can get to know the Playfight Coaches that you can rely upon!